Uncovered Beauty

  

You know those ridiculous dreams we have that feel SO real?

They seem packed full of meaning and bring up emotions that they leave us either unsettled or elated as we open our eyes in our cozy warm bed only to realize it was just a dream? 

As we lie there waking up processing those emotions that are stirring inside of us we try to remember all the details that leave us wondering if they are packed full of meaning. I think we all can relate!?! 

I like dreams when I feel I have insight to the treasures of truth inside them. I reeeally dislike them when I have no idea of their meaning and the emotions they bring to the surface leave me feeling heavy. When I feel heavy I just have to decide to let them go so I stop stirring. Otherwise I spend too much time guessing and wondering what they are exposing. I trust that if it’s important, understanding will come to me in the right time. 

(Little rabbit trail: a way I have learned to let go of my debilitating or disturbing emotions is to use Gabby Bernstein’s meditation called The Meditation for Riding the Waves of Emotion. In summary its purpose is to help you honour your feelings that feel like an attack. Or, to honour those feelings that are surfacing that I didn’t realize I have been suppressing. This meditation has been an amazing tool to help me stop judgment towards myself or the other person(s) involved. For more explanation go to page 156 in the book Judgement Detox). 

Back to the article… 

A recent dream I had children were disrespectfully messing up my yard with crayons, markers and art supplies. (I know exactly what you are thinking, “How dare they?!”. LOL). I had asked the culprits to clean up their mess. Their answer was a blank stare with a zero remorse clueless look on their face exposing that taking responsibility for their actions was not their norm or concern. Then they left my yard.  

Their response angered me. But I remained silent as I as I cleaned up their mess. My silence I’m sure was really loud while I was angrily cleaning up. I noticed one child who was with the kids but, did not play a part in making the mess, had stayed behind to help. I appreciated her help but wondered if her choice to stick around was out of fear or out of the goodness of her heart. I internally acknowledged gratefulness to her, but sadly did not verbalize it because my mind was still focused on the rude choices of the other kids. (My emotions clearly were now in charge and getting the best of me). I was more focused on the task of tidying my yard rather than letting the help I was getting turn the situation around.  

While we were cleaning up-- more people came through my yard. They too were disrespectful by opening gates, walking all over the place assessing my home like it was available for sale. Their lack of manners and consideration to value me was the furthest from their minds. I was beyond done at this point in the dream & then I woke up.  

Do your dreams do the same thing to you??... Leave you hanging and seem incomplete? HOW rude! LOL. 

Lying there awake feeling all the feels… annoyed, confused, thankful it wasn’t real, and yet it felt real and connected to me. So I decided to get out of bed, grab a coffee and sit down to reflect. 

While I was sipping my coffee a lightbulb came on and I suddenly had insight and eyes to see that each scenario in the dream acted as a mirror reflection about myself. Even though it had been a few years that I had been working on boundaries and what it meant to value myself, I finally saw how my actions of not speaking up for myself had communicated to people how they can treat me and my silence gave them permission to disrespect and walk all over me. No wonder my anger was so intense! I was subconsciously feeling the impact from being afraid to set boundaries and how it was harming me. 

This insight was not shocking. I knew I had a hard time saying no and struggled with feeling safer within healthy boundaries.  The work I had been doing up to this point brought me here. It's like everything was clicking. I was never the victim. No one was keeping me from these lessons other than my own fears. This dream gave me more drive and anticipation for understanding so I can continue to grow in learning who I am! 

I appreciated this dream. I believe God gave me this insight through its kind delivery to share with me a visual of my issue with people pleasing and what a negative impact it has. I was drowning, accomplishing nothing other than fostering unhealthy friendships. 

As I gain strength, even though it still feels uncomfortable saying no, I see more than ever the importance of knowing what I need in my relationships and then share when necessary.  

Are you like me when you have an awesome UH-HUH moment you just want to call your friend to share in your victory??! I wanted to call my sister right away to process but I just sat there, sipped my steaming coffee and allowed the enlightenment of understanding too wash over me. I soaked it in. I felt comforting peace and waves of happiness. 

So much came to mind as I sunk deeper into the couch. Thoughts of the last 8 yrs. or so in my journey of learning boundaries, self-value and what-it-really-looks-like-for-me-to-live-out-my-truth. So many lessons. SO many moments where I felt like I was starting over. But that was me being hard on myself. I now saw that each lesson was a gift. And if it recycled itself in my life, well, clearly I had more to learn from it.   

Awareness and openness was the mindset I chose and they brought me to the place to see my unhealthy behavioural patterns. To change them and bring me to victory. I realized that the un-healthy cycles in my life can be broken! There is no agenda or timeframe when it needed to be accomplished. I had set out to value myself and those intentions exposed areas in my life that needed growth. Then choosing to deal with those areas they brought me to where I wanted to be! 

Becoming aware also helped me to look at my fears that had woven unintended mindsets into my core. They needed a seam ripper to remove them. (That’s what it felt like anyway). A tool gentle enough to not destroy what was around it but effective to tear out the entire thread so it could be sewn back together the way God initially intended. 

It took a couple of years to break old habits. I experienced that as soon as the newness of change was right around the corner where I would meet my breakthrough. I would hesitate because I was afraid of the unknown, even though it’s so desperately what I wanted. The crossroads was either I would have to decide to stay with what I know or move forward and risk that what I am learning will bring me the change I desired.  

To be honest it took me a lot of tries to break this cycle. The newness of change would be too overwhelming even though I knew it was promising. I would chose to run backwards to stay in the familiar. Even though it was the last place I wanted to be, it was comfortable and familiar. I would internally beat myself up because I let my fears win again. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone because I felt I’d sound like a broken record talking about “it” again. My cycle was fear, shame, despair and then isolation to protect myself from rejection. This cycle kept me living in fear and not trusting my journey. But, I also worked hard to not focus on it and remind myself that knowing this was a victory within itself. I would again choose to continue on in my journey, once again stop beating myself up, learn from my mistakes, understand more about myself and try again. I would stick with the lessons I was learning and experience what was once hard to overcome would become easier and easier for me to be honest with my yes' and no's'. 

As I kept things simple breaking my people pleasing habits. I started being the friend I wanted to have. I started to value myself through honesty and no longer putting pressure on myself with my expectations.  

I was engaging how I really felt towards things without letting the assumptions of others to dictate my response. It was getting easier to set aside my fears. It was like all of these lessons were God giving me a ladder to effortlessly climb out of the hole I had been in all these years through applying what I am learning.  

I was kind to myself now and in turn was genuinely kind to others. They sensed that. People are not dummies. I had taken years to pull away and learn this because I didn’t know any other way. I am not suggesting you pull away in your process. I can see parts of that for me protected me and other parts hindered me. I suggest you be you!  

However you desire change and whatever steps you take to get there know that you are not alone. What surfaces is what needs to be exposed for healing. It does not surface to haunt you or shame you. Its exposure is so you can see the light and get out of your internal darkness. You can do this! I actually believe you already are. Pay attention to the daily encouragements that come your way. Allow yourself to feel. And be kind to yourself.  

I placed this article in my Inner Beauty folder because I feel more beautiful as I gain insight to the areas of growth in my life. Yes, I am the first person to be too hard on myself, but as I learn to be kind to myself these lessons deepen my character and to me that’s so damn beautiful! Women who embrace their weaknesses and learn from them- shine and radiate beauty because of what is beaming outwards from the inside.   

DREAM ON MY FRIENDS AND MAY THEY BE FULL OF INSIGHT AND ENCOURAGEMENT!!